you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
