so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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