Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
