She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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