I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am available for nakedness
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
