There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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