But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wear drunk well.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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