Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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