Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
