i wish my penis had a tongue
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
