I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
