1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
