You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
