So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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