I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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