why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
