Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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