Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
