I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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