Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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