come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and she was petting her beer can
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
