Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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