did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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