So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
