you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We have started to decorate penises.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
