God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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