why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
