first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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