someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
