I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
