i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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