20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
