Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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