Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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