Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
