it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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