i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
