kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
