So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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