You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
