And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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