I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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