I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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