Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
