I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
