watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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