I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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