sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
