My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
