Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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