Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
