What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
