It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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